I almost had nothing to blog about today, hence the title. But close to Midnight a slight.. Altercation occurred with someone I hold more dear to me than I would've ever expected... Let's just say he's like a brother to me. We'll call him... Clario. Clario witnessed some really crazy stuff happened to me, and it was a while before I realized that he was even there. Clario witnessed an.. Abuse of sort and I realized that when I needed him, when I was too weak to fight back he didn't stop the abuse that occurred. And once I realized it, and found it his reason I was really hurt. I mean if I had the power to stop something like that from occurring I would, and I do it all the time everyday. His reasons were understandable, but still very selfish. His inaction caused me more pain that I really could have ever realized at the time. But all he had to say was sorry. Normally I'm very forgiving, you know? But I had a really hard time forgiving this time. I think I was just pushed to the brink with all the hurting that seems to have been happening to me.
When I realized that I had hurt him by confronting him I instantly forgave him. Who wouldn't? My intentions were never to hurt. I just needed answers, but of course I didn't really get them. But the night worsened when I realized that he had shut down. I tried to get him to open up to me and talk but instead he yelled. Now, when you're dealing with people with mental illness (MI) they have things that trigger them. They can be as simple as a scent to as complicated as a chain of thoughts. Well yelling triggers me, along with being cornered and touched by those who don't have permission. So I could feel an episode coming so I said a prayer to calm down. (My Aunt taught me that!!) But I still lashed out pretty bad. Things began to crescendo and then BOOM. We were fighting. I don't think I've cried like that because of a person in a while. It didn't go well, but God separated us (the internet cut out) before any permanent damage could happen. I had a hard time sleeping with things the way they were, but stuff happens.
It really is my fault, sometimes you have to learn to rescue yourself. I've been doing it for so long now it's almost like I need someone else to do it to take a break. I shouldn't depend on others, but at times I have to. Things aren't easy for me right now, but whoever said they would be?
Even though things happened, I still love him. I love him very much, he's my rock, my protector, and more. And if he's reading this, I love you.
Whitney and Austin