Thursday, December 2, 2010

A Bit of Bad News.

So, all my medicine changes have really been wreaking havoc in my life. And last night I received a letter stating that I had been called to speak with the Office of Student Conduct. The letter stated that I had violated the code for both disorderly and lewd conduct. But let me get back to the very beginning.

It started on September 14, a lovely day, as it was my distant friends birthday. (Yes April, I remembered your birthday after all these years.) Ok, I don't really know whether or not it was a lovely day, but for the sake of my sanity, let's just say it was (I've the memory of a fruit fly) even though it probably wasn't; during those days there were more bad days than good. And so, the day proceeded. And at night time, I slipped into a minor psychotic episode (they're called minor because I recover fairly quickly). I live on the 3rd floor in my dorm, and my room is located next to the stairwell. You'd think I wouldn't hear stomping ABOVE me, but I do. And of course the noise of students bounding up the stairs. That night, it triggered me, and I started to feel like I was being hunted.. Like a man was coming for me. (I used to have hallucinations about a "shadow man.") So as I slowly began to become more and more anxious and paranoid, I began thrashing and screaming. Once my boyfriend calmed me down it seemed another student would slam a door or stomp up the stairs, and the process would start again. Living in a dorm makes that whole thing rather.. Disturbing. My RA came and so did the Hall Director. Eventually I was able to calm down and return to my room feeling secure. I thought it was over, but a report had been filed concerning my "disorderly conduct."

The next event occurred after I was changed to Ambien to assist with sleeping, I had also been removed from an anti-psychotic drug. This is all being told from another perspective as I don't remember very much of it. My RA says she left her room because she heard a scratching on her wall, and when she stepped outside I was there in only a robe and underpants. The robe was open and I seemed heavily medicated as I was trying to use the phone. She led me back to my room and three minutes later I returned to hers saying that the room didn't belong to me. She assured me it did and back I went. Many hours later, I woke up outside in the same attire (with no shoes) and realized Austin and I were very lost. I now know I was on campus by the Student Center, not far from my dorm. It was freezing cold and at the time I just had no idea how to return to my dorm. I pushed the Emergency Button and informed the nice lady that I was lost. An officer came and together we attempted to figure out where I lived. I sat in his car (it was warm) as we called every family member we could. After perhaps half-an-hour we located my grandmother who called my sister who called my aunt who woke my parents. Then my address was identified and I was driven back to my dorm. The police called the HD and some head guy and they forced me to stay downstairs. The complaint I read said I slipped between states of lucid and childlike behavior. After what seemed like an hour I was taken to my room and the HD stayed in the lobby for many hours. This was another "disorderly conduct" complaint and also where the "lewd conduct" complaint came from.

As one might imagine, it is very frustrating to receive complaints for things that are not in your control. I expected to be called for my boyfriend sleeping in my room with me, granted it was only to make me feel safe, but that was a choice I made. I had a choice in that matter. But I didn't choose to have episodes, nor did I choose this next frightening event.

I am very modest, and I could never walk outside like that out of choice. Well I had the meeting this morning, and after some very extreme prayer for God to curb my tongue and order my thoughts, I began to calm down. I also read some scriptures on peace. I walked into the office feeling extremely calm. The man... Let's call him Dr. F. Fry, was very kind. He listened to me and reasoned with me, and told me he understands my situation. After we got things worked out (for the lewd conduct I received a warning).

Before leaving he told me that my resilience inspires him, and that he enjoys meeting people like me. Hearing that made me want to fight a billion times harder to fight the demons that have been affecting me. So, if you ever had any doubts let me clear things up for you here and now.

I will win this war.

Signing out,

Whitney and Austin

Edited to add: God really can turn a bad situation into a good one. Dr. F. Fry definitely impacted my life and strengthened my will to fight.

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